My boyfriend, who is 35, has lived with me for the past two years. We have sex at least 3 times a week, sometimes more often. My concern is that I know that he masturbates while watching pornography at least 6 times a week, usually daily, almost every time he is at home alone and sometimes after I have gone to sleep. I am not against masturbation or pornography, which I enjoy from time to time, but I am feeling that he prefers them for his pleasure over anything I can offer him. He is a ultra considerate lover and has NEVER had an orgasm before me, no matter how long it takes. So, it seems that sex with me is mainly for me and sex for him is with his computer. I can’t help but feel that he prefers computer sex to sex with me, and that somehow his pleasure with me will be less intense because he masturbates so often. I am not comfortable bringing it up because it may force him to lie or become defensive. I tell myself that if we are having satisfying sex as often as I want it, I shouldn’t have the negative feelings about it; however, I know there are times when he has said he’s tired or has to work on the computer when he senses that I might want sex after he has already taken care of his needs. What are your thoughts?
It sounds like your boyfriend has a goal orientation to sex (most people do). With that approach, sex is about getting to orgasm. If you both have one, you’ve done it right. If neither of you does, you’ve wasted your time. This approach can bring with it lots of pressure to perform. You’ve said your sweetie is a very considerate lover and always waits until you’ve had an orgasm before he goes on to have an ejaculatory orgasm. Some men work so hard at lasting that they become desensitized and disconnected. Your lover might be so focused on you and your pleasure and working very hard not to come too soon, that he’s not getting as much enjoyment as he could. Then, with porn and masturbation there’s no pressure, it’s all about his own pleasure, he can relax and feel. To get away from performance pressure, we suggest that lovers adopt a pleasure orientation to sex–at least during some of their lovemaking sessions. There’s no goal, it’s just about the pleasure of every moment of kissing, caressing, touching, intercourse, oral sex etc.
During these pleasure-focused times you agree that you’re simply going to thoroughly enjoy each other — if you have an orgasm, great, if not, great.
A wonderful way to start this is with a practice we call the Loving Body Discovery — it’s from our book Soul Sex: Tantra for Two. I’ve included it here for you. Although the exercise is written from the perspective of exploring a woman first, my suggestion is that you discover his body first.